some time in ’21 or ’22, at the then hight of the real estate market, I answered a knock at my door. More specifically it was a knock followed by a ringing of my doorbell followed by another knock. Needless to say it sounded on the urgent side. It was Sunday, I was expecting no one, I didn’t smell smoke and could not recall the last time I felt an earthquake so I could not imagine why someone was disturbing my morning bliss with such urgency. I hadn’t even moved from my spot on the couch except to refill my coffee cup all morning–in essence it was thus far a good day–and probably was quite the sight.

I opened the door to see a well dressed man who appeared to be in his mid 20’s wearing a shirt with some real estate company’s name blazoned above the left breast. He looked up at me (he was a shortish guy) as if surprised someone actually answered the door.

I just stood there and waited for him to say or do something. In my younger years I would have answered the door with “why are you disturbing me?” but I have mellowed in my old age.

“Um, hi, eh, I mean good morning sir,” he started. oh this should be good, I thought.

“I’m just here combing the neighborhood because I’m a realtor and just sold a house around the corner,” he continued, but I knew he was lying as I ma fairly familiar with my neighborhood and no houses had been for sale for some time, let alone sold.

“and I don’t know if you know it right now is the time to sell your house. you could say this is the moment you have been waiting for.”

I already knew from the newspaper and the nine hundred billion emails I received on a daily basis back then that the housing market had continued to soar during the pandemic and “with no end in sight!” the news boasted. If only they knew what was coming in the follow years.

“and why is that?” I asked as if intrigued.

“well umm, sir, if you were to sell your house in today’s market you would probably break the bank with all that equity you would collect on closing.”

you don’t say, I thought. funny this person didn’t even bother to ask if I owned the house I was currently standing in (in my pajamas I might add) or if I was renting.

“have you been waiting to sell you home, because I can promise you today is the day you’ve been waiting for.”

who wrote this guy’s script? it’s horrible.

“you don’t say?” I asked but did not wait for him to answer. “so you’re telling me if I were to sell my house now I’d make a bunch of money?”

“That is right sir,” he said stepping closer to the door, “and with me as your agent you wouldn’t have to wait long at all. that house I just closed, one of your neighbor’s houses, it closed so fast the owner was truly amazed.”

“wow, I said,” wanting to rap this up (my coffee was getting cold and I was getting bored), “if that is the case then really I only have one question for you.”

“Sure we could start the paperwork now if you wanted,” he interrupted, looking at my dying lawn as if to find a spot for his sign…

“That’s not my question,” I stated flatly, “considering the state of the real estate market over the past 18 months or so being the cumulative result of decades of inadequate supply driving home prices artificially high and a population growth trend which puts us around 8 million houses too few are being built and with life expectancy increasing, and this last bit is a tad morbid, not enough people are dying to make up this annual shortfall, compounded by the pandemic lockdown which for some reason has dramatically increased demand instead of decreasing it like the so called experts predicted, my guess is with people locked in their homes a lot of people are noticing they are living in squalor, am I right buddy?”

He didn’t even blink at this point but just stared at me fixedly as if hypnotized, “anyway where was I? oh yeah. with all these pressures on the market prices had no choice to go through the roof, which by the by was the energetic force acting on your unconscious and driving your presence into my neighborhood and ultimately at my door this fine, fine day, and ruining my Sunday morning. With all that my question is simply this…..

“If I sign your forms and let you sell my house, where I currently am residing, and with unbelievably fast close rate you just boasted about a few minutes ago forcing me to leave my home sooner than I had intended, where am I going to live?”

I stood in silence staring at him and wondering if I should go get my smelling salts as he not only had completely stopped blinking but had been standing slack jawed before me for long enough to have drooled a respectable puddle down his shirt. I decided he would be fine and started to close the door. I figure if he is still there in an hour I might have to call someone or spray him off with a house.

I stopped with the door only open a few inches and said smuggly, “door-to-door was dead fifty years ago kid. figure out some other way to drum up business.”

I thought about adding more and changed my mind. after all my coffee was getting cold.

I hate it when people ring my doorbell…